PhilYouIn.com

The dreaded Mrs. Auerbach had quite the reputation for ridiculing, belittling, and screaming at her fourth grade students. My summer recess was ruined, because the back of my third grade June report card indicated that I was to be in her class.

Once fourth grade began, I managed to remain fairly invisible during school hours. Until December.

We were taking turns standing and reading excerpts from some dumb book Mrs. Auerbach had burdened us with learning. I was going to be the 10th person to read, so I quickly scanned ahead and determined which paragraph was to be my responsibility.

Pretty smart for a nine year old. And I read it to myself, over and over. And over. I did not want to screw-up.

My excerpt had something to do with two friends, named Robert and José. For some reason, I recognized the Spanish name, even though I had yet to even meet a Spanish person. Boy, Mrs. Auerbach will be so impressed!

I could have recited the excerpt from memory by the time my turn came. I stood up, feeling confident, which was very rare for me. Cleared my throat:

“It was lunchtime,” I read. “Robert’s mom had a meal prepared, and he invited his friend José to join him.”

The witch stopped me right there. Looking up gleefully, she said, “What did you just say?”

I repeated myself…a lot slower and a lot quieter this time. I already knew disaster was about to strike.

“José? JOSÉ?!!!? His name isn’t José, it’s JOSIE!” (A boy named Josie? Really?)

And with that, she began to cackle, loudly and derisively. For 10 full seconds, which gave the class the go-ahead to join in.

I did not know what to do. My nightmare had come to life. I sat down, barely managing to keep my eyes from watering. I could hardly function for the rest of the day. At 3PM it was finally time to go home for the weekend.

When I walked into the apartment my Mom asked how my day went.

“Good,” I lied, then went into the bedroom I shared with my older brother, closing the door behind me.

The following Monday at noon, we lined up as usual and proceeded towards the door, on our way to the lunchroom. When I exited the room (I was the tallest, so I was the last), I was shocked to see my mother standing just outside the door.

Oh no.

Had Mrs. Auerbach summoned my Mom to tell her what an idiot I was? Was I getting left back? Or maybe returned to the third grade? I felt dizzy.

“What happened?” I asked my Mom.

“It’s none of your business,” she replied. “If you’re going to lunch, just go!” She walked passed me and entered the classroom, gruffly introducing herself to Mrs. Auerbach, who seemed as surprised to see her as I was.

“Oh, hello. Come in…you can leave the door open.”

My Mom slammed the door shut behind her.

To this day, almost 60 years later, I cannot profess to know what transpired in that room for the next hour. I do know that when my Mom was angry – and she was often very angry – it was best to be in another part of the state.

When we returned from lunch, the door was just opening. My Mom emerged, and was obviously mad. Livid. She looked at me as she went by and said she would see me later. I entered the room, and saw a very different Mrs. Auerbach sitting behind her desk. An ashen, trembling, somehow shrunken Mrs. Auerbach. An utterly defeated Mrs. Auerbach.

Apparently my Mom had somehow found out what had happened on Friday. I still do not know how; she wasn’t chummy with the other moms, and I never told her about anything bad that happened to me. But she had somehow heard about every gory detail.

All I knew was the confrontation that day was the very first time I fully understood the phrase, ‘ripping someone a new a–hole.’

And Mrs. Auerbach never spoke another word to me for the remainder of the year, derisively or otherwise. She was almost reverential. Averted her eyes. All tests came back with good grades. All reports with a red check on top.

If I had decided to climb up on my desk and do cartwheels, she would not have said a word. My Mom had ended Mrs. Auerbach’s reign of terror.

Now I knew how the Munchkins felt when Dorothy’s barn landed.