PhilYouIn.com

Happy Birthday! To ME!!!

I have waited so long, and it’s finally happened. Today is my birthday! I am finally 70 years old!

I haven’t been this excited about a birthday since I became a teenager! I am officially an old man! SO exciting.

So much to live for! And to look forward to!

After Social Security has taken a little bit of money from every one of my 2,756 paychecks (that’s 56 years of work!), the government is going to begin paying me back, every month, for the rest of my life. Just to be sure I am happy!

Things are so much better now; although I was taught to always offer my seat to women on the subway, invariably the response now is, “Oh, no, I’m fine, sir. You sit.” In fact, people have been offering their seat to me!

Haircuts take barely any time when there is so much less of it to cut!

If I say something stupid, or have crumbs on my face, or if my fly is open…no problem! I’m old!

When I go for a run, people stop and stare and smile at me and say stuff like, “Oh, you’re doing great, honey! Good for you!” Sometimes, they even applaud!

When I was a kid I once asked a surveyor what he saw when he looked through the ‘camera’ on his tripod.

His response?

“Shut up, kid!”

When I asked the same question the other day, I was given a detailed explanation, and invited to take a look for myself! Wow! Respect!

When my wife and I would hit the dance floor at weddings years ago, the usual comment was, “Wow. That gorgeous woman sure can dance. What the hell is she doing with him?”

Now, all people say when they see us dancing together is, “Aww, how cute!”

Speaking of my wife, when we hold hands in the street, people come up to us and say things like, “Aren’t you two adorable!” or “Oh, isn’t that just precious?!!” and sometimes just, “Awww!!!”

I’m gonna get cheaper movie tickets! Cheaper admission to a plethora of events! And when I write stories, people will no longer call me a show-off for using words like ‘plethora’!

Everyone will laugh at things I say, even when I don’t mean to be funny. That’s because they will just want to seem friendly. And understanding of my ‘predicament.’

I have also noticed that stores seem to condone Senior Shoplifting; when exiting WalMart, the security guard at the door checking receipts just waves my wife and I by – with a smile!

Plus, I’m going to be considered wise and experienced!

More good news: when you get older, your hearing gets a bit…tricky. You can hear people talking, but it gets kind of difficult to understand what is being said. How perfect is that?!? Because seeing how most people like to blab away just to hear the sound of their own voices…what could be better?

I am, however, no fool. I am very much aware of ‘the elephant in the room.’ I know there is an unfortunate, inevitable consequence of being so old that will have a depressing effect on every member of my family. But I realize that when it happens, it will be simply a natural result of living a long life, and accept it.

I am referring, obviously, to mid-day naps. But I am confident I will be able to deal with them when the time comes…