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Just Get Up!!!

I have run many organized races in and around New York City over the past 20 years. Some might call me an experienced runner!

With that experience comes knowledge, and an expert understanding of what is considered acceptable running etiquette.

The ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ of running races, if you will.

One must be a pro to recognize right from wrong. Grown men peeing off the side of the Pulaski Bridge in the middle of the NYC Marathon? With their running shorts pulled down to their ankles, exposing way too much? Unsightly, yes. Wrong? No!

Runners pooping in their adult diapers, hoping to beat their best time? Gross, yes. But not against the rules!

At the start of the Brooklyn Half Marathon one May, I encountered a horrible problem: runners’ gridlock. It got so crowded that I could barely walk, much less run!

As much as I would have liked to just barrel my way through – even hurl my fellow runners to the ground if the desire arose – I realized such action, as gratifying as it would be to me, would be deemed totally unacceptable.

Proper etiquette dictates to grin and bear it, so that is what I did. After brusquely pushing my way through.

An issue that I was able to address: the ‘walkers and talkers.’ Within 1/4 mile of the start of the 13.1 mile race, I encountered people strolling along, side by side, chatting. Impeding my progress. Absurd!

The solution? I came up behind them, then shrieked, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!! at the top of my lungs. It hurt my throat a bit, but believe me, those walkers dispersed as if their shirts had been set on fire!

When I entered Prospect Park, here came the world class front runners, already making their exit from the park. People around me applauded their speed and endurance; I ignored them, unimpressed. I do not like show-offs!

As I struggled up a nightmarish hill in the park, I encountered another unexpected annoyance: a runner wearing a type of harness which stored fluid, with a straw extending to his mouth. Even though water and Gatorade are provided EVERY mile.

What a great idea! If you happen to be in the desert. And you’re a camel.

Plus he had a phone to his ear, chatting with someone about who knows what. Loud enough for everyone to hear, of course. So obnoxious!

Curious to know the proper etiquette in handling such a situation? I’ll tell you! I came along side the fellow, then ‘accidentally’ elbowed the arm holding the phone.

He bobbled, but did not drop. And the resulting panic-stricken expression on his face fueled me for two miles! Totally acceptable behavior. And such a great feeling!

Another very gratifying occurrence during the run was when I passed a runner literally one third my age, expensively clothed in colorful designer running duds, cramping up and writhing in agony on the side of the road. My reaction was ‘by the book:’ I laughed derisively and said, “Just get up!!!” as I passed by.

There was another unfortunate, yet wonderful incident 10 miles into the race, while running downhill. The fellow running three feet in front of me raised his right arm and curled his fingers into a fist.

I spent approximately one second wondering what it meant, but it became clear to me when he suddenly came to a full stop.

Whatever strength or reflexes I had left would not allow me to go around the dope, so we were seconds from an ugly collision and painful fall to the concrete.

I reacted with a perfectly acceptable move: as we collided, I wrapped my arms around his arms and chest, steadying both of us. Then I spun him around and flung him.

There was a lot of screaming and cursing going on behind me, but I just continued my trek. I don’t know what happened to the guy I tossed. In fact, I don’t even care!

It’s all good!

The final quarter mile of my race took me to Coney Island, where I ran up a ramp and onto the boardwalk. It started getting crowded again!

The finish line was 500 feet ahead. I saw a young couple just ahead of me holding hands and excitedly jumping up and down as they ran. How inappropriate!

I was about to berate them with a socially acceptable insult, when suddenly I tripped and went sprawling, face first, onto the ancient, splintered wooden boardwalk.

You’ll never guess what happened next! In lieu of mocking me and jumping over me or even trampling me, other runners stopped to help me up (not that I needed or wanted any help)!

They were so concerned about me! And as I rose, on-lookers applauded in relief!

I was so embarrassed.

For all of them!!! Didn’t they know anything?! What a total lack of etiquette! I dismissed them with a wave of my hand, then limped toward the finish line.